Whether you love or hate the word boundary, there’s always a story behind it. How you grew up, what your current relationships are like, and the way you feel about yourself are all shaped by the boundaries you do—or don’t—have.
With summer coming up, I want to take a deeper look at boundaries. Because whether your goals include a little more whimsy, a hot girl summer, or simply keeping your kids busy and everyone afloat, boundaries are going to be the thing that holds it all together.
Think back to your childhood for a moment. What did boundaries look like when you were growing up? Were you expected to not have any, or were there so many you couldn’t keep track? What healthy—or unhealthy—examples were you shown? Boundaries can be a touchy subject, and there’s almost always someone expecting more than you can give. (Spoiler: a lot of the time, it’s you.)
That’s why the most important place to start is with boundaries with yourself. When you treat your time and energy as valuable, other people tend to follow your lead. People learn from you how to treat you. When you don’t, people learn they don’t have to either—and that’s how burnout happens quickly. I want you to hear this clearly: you are allowed to be selfish. I know that word can feel uncomfortable, especially as a woman, but as a therapist, I love it. When my clients are “selfish,” it usually means they did something incredibly hard—they chose themselves. And when you are making sure you are good, everyone around you benefits. So really, being selfish isn’t selfish at all.
Now, let’s talk about the types of boundaries you might be operating with. You can have porous, rigid, and secure boundaries—and most people have a mix of all three. Porous boundaries have a lot of holes, with little follow-through, and people learn that no matter what you say, they’ll still get what they want from you. Rigid boundaries are locked tight, with no flexibility or nuance, which can show up as being too closed off in some relationships or overly strict in others. Secure boundaries are what we’re aiming for. They start with understanding your needs first, and then adjusting based on the situation without abandoning yourself.
For example, if your kids are sick, you’re probably not enforcing every rule the same way you normally would. You’re offering flexibility and care. That doesn’t mean your boundaries disappeared—it means you made a conscious, temporary adjustment. That’s the difference: flexibility with intention, not by default. At the end of the day, self-respect is your strongest boundary.
Where there are boundaries, there also need to be consequences. If someone crosses a boundary and nothing happens, what’s stopping them from doing it again? (Anyone else picturing a toddler they know?) Consequences don’t have to be dramatic—they just need to be clear and consistent.
For example, if your mom tends to call and vent and it drains you, you might start the conversation with, “Hey, I’ve got about five minutes to talk, then I have to run. What’s going on?” You’ve created a clear container without damaging the relationship. Or in business, if clients are calling you late at night and you keep answering, you’re teaching them your time is always available. Secure boundaries mean setting expectations upfront: “My family time starts at 6 PM, so I’ll get back to you the next day.” You didn’t build your business to be available 24/7—you built it to support your life. The hardest part is following through on those consequences. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but they are important for showing your brain that your time is worthy of protecting…even if you aren’t quite there yet.
The truth is, you can have boundaries around everything—your time, possessions, energy, emotions, body, space, and thoughts. Take a moment to look at your life honestly. How are you treating your time? Your body? Your things? Other people? What expectations are you holding for yourself and for others? And here’s a powerful question: would you teach someone who looks up to you to live this way?
One thing I always remind my clients is that even healthy relationships have boundaries. There’s no such thing as being so in love that you don’t need them, or being so successful that you should always be available. That’s silly. Healthy relationships respect boundaries—and often help reinforce them. They’re the ones who ask, “Aren’t you working right now when you said you shouldn’t be?” or say, “Why are you letting that happen?” Those moments matter. They bring you back to yourself when things get messy.
A quote I love and share often in therapy is, “Those who are upset by your boundaries are the ones benefiting from you not having any.” This doesn’t make them bad people—it just means things were easier for them before these boundaries existed. So, it’s worth asking yourself: where am I making things easier for others that they are fully capable of handling themselves?
Summer is coming, and with it comes plans, goals, kids, work, relationships, and a lot of moving parts. Let your boundaries hold you through it. Set the expectations, communicate the limits, and follow through on the consequences. Then watch how much more calm, freedom, and whimsy you can create in the middle of the chaos.
Kat Nick is the founder of KN Wellness Partnership. She loves helping organizations and teams build cultures where people can perform, and stay, well. Connect with her on LinkedIn or email at Kathleen@KNWellnessPartnership.com.
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