Welcome to Indy Maven’s Mental Health column, coming by way of Adair McDonald, LMHC, PMH-C (she/her/hers). Check out her website for information about how Adair works with clients, and to contact her directly to book a session.
The majority of my clients are busy, high-achieving women with some amount of perfectionism they are working with. I’m often faced with the challenge of getting them to slow down enough to engage with various complementary activities to support their mental health. When I ask about “self care” or what they like to do between sessions to relax and release stress, I’ve learned to anticipate the frustration my question elicits. It might sound like this: “I know, I know. I’m terrible. I used to work out all the time, and I felt so good, but now I’m just so busy and tired.”
Now she’s not only feeling stressed about being busy, she’s feeling guilty about not doing enough self care. If I’m not careful, I can reinforce this by suggesting activities that are far too demanding for this season of life. Sure, someday it will be great to get back to that yoga class she truly enjoys, or take that walk in the woods with her friend, but this week she feels like she is drowning. Doing those things would mean getting out the calendar and actually finding the time to make it happen- which might mean leaving work early, arranging for childcare, or choosing to disappoint someone.
Instead, I want to break through this haze of guilt and overwhelm and reinforce the point that this is not an all or nothing issue. Perfectionism isn’t helpful here- we need some manageable ways for even a very busy person to inject moments of relaxation throughout her days.
An example is a time I was working with Kelly*, a client in the postpartum who’d just returned to work after maternity leave. I could tell at the beginning of the session that she was coming into therapy like it was one more thing to check off her list so she could go back to being “productive”. I asked if it would be okay if we took a few moments just to allow her to settle. She was initially reluctant, but Kelly is a good sport, so she gave it a try. I began to lead her through a relaxation exercise I do with many of my clients, in which I lead them through a somatic exploration of where they are holding tension in their bodies and where they may be able to soften and release. Some of my clients love this and feel grounded and cleansed by the end, but some find it extremely difficult to release control and let me care for them. This client was in the latter camp, and you may think that means it didn’t “work”, but in this case it helped her see just how full of adrenaline she was. She expressed her frustration and began to cry, which allowed for a different type of release.
For the rest of this session, this client was able to be present and vulnerable and opened up more about her struggles. She was able to gain some clarity and think of ways she could ask for more help. She was able to refocus on her values and boundaries during this challenging time.
However, I hit another roadblock at the end of the session. I encouraged Kelly to keep trying to find moments to check in with herself throughout her days while juggling career and parenting. “The thought of sitting still for even 5 minutes per day makes me so anxious- there are so many other things I could do with that time,” I asked her to try it for just 1 minute per day. Even that was a hard sell, but when I pointed out that I was asking for a total of 6 minutes of her time before the next time we met, Kelly had to admit that was doable. I had her put a little Post-it note where she could see it that would remind her to do this. “Don’t try to make it feel good- just notice what happens when you tune into yourself, and we’ll talk about it next session”.
This was an important first step for Kelly, as it is for so many of us. Can we allow ourselves to build a practice of regularly attuning to our own needs, even for one minute at a time? Or must we live our whole lives putting out fires and running from one task to the next?
With that in mind, I’ve put together a list of 5 of the best ways to get a mental health benefit in one minute or less. Do you have a minute? If so, keep reading.
1. Deep Breaths
First up is an oldy but a goody- take some deep breaths. Seriously, I know it seems so basic, but even one minute of intentional time focusing on your breath can help calm the nervous system. There are many popular methods you can Google- I like nostril breathing or the 4-7-8 method, some like box breathing. Simply breathing in deeply and exhaling longer than the inhalation works great too. As long as you keep bringing your attention back to the breath, you are sure to notice benefits.
2. A Quick Body Scan
Next up, a quick body scan. Starting at the tip of your head, feel into your body all the way down to the tips of your toes. Along the way, you may notice some tension in some areas, where you feel good in others, any emotions that are coming up, or whether or not you’ve been holding your breath or bracing yourself. If you build a practice of doing this regularly, eventually it will become second nature and it will become easier for you to relax.
3. A Visual Perception Change
This one is called a visual perception change. Try it now by holding up your finger. Focus your eyes on your finger. Now focus on a spot behind your finger. Allow your eyes to change focus for a few moments. Finger, spot on the wall, finger, spot on the wall…after you’ve done this you may notice feeling more calm and grounded. This shifts the brain out of fight/flight/freeze, thus it is a great antidote to panic. You can use anything in front of you as long as you have 2 spots to focus on. This is a great one to use when you’re feeling unsettled and there are other people around- because no one will know that you’re doing it!
4. Stand Up and Sway
I like this next one for people, like myself, who sit most of the day for work. Stand up, feel your feet on the ground, and sway. Imagine positive energy coming up from the earth beneath you through the bottoms of your feet. Allow it to fill your whole body as you sway back and forth and allow any old, stuck energy to melt away.
5. A Blast of Cold Water
Finally, for a burst of feel good hormones like endorphins and dopamine, try a blast of cold water. The easiest way to do this is at the end of a shower. I hate being cold and I’m a total wimp when I do this for even 30 seconds- but it works! You might feel a big burst of energy and a lifting of your mood. Other ways to use cold to shift out of a negative headspace are holding an ice cube, plunging your hand or face into ice cold water or even just splashing your face with cold water a few times.
Some of these might work right away to help calm and refocus you, others may take some practice before you really enjoy it or feel the benefits. Commit to trying one or a couple of them for 2 ½ to 3 weeks. For that one minute, let it be all that you are focusing on. When (not if) your brain wanders, no problem, just notice that and bring your attention back to the activity.
As we settle into spring and anticipate the demands of summer, I invite you to take a minute of self care each day. Every little bit really does help.
When I write about clients, I use pseudonyms and change details as needed to disguise their identity.
Adair McDonald, LMHC, PMH-C, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Carmel, Indiana, specializing in anxiety, trauma, ADHD, and the emotional landscape of pregnancy and new motherhood. Most of her clients are creative women who struggle with overwhelm and self-criticism- and are ready to feel lighter, more joyous, and free. Learn more at adairmcdonald.com.
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