Welcome to Indy Maven’s Mental Health column, coming by way of Adair McDonald, LMHC, PMH-C (she/her/hers). Check out her website for information about how Adair works with clients, and to contact her directly to book a session.
I recently took myself on a mini retreat to a wellness spa that did not allow screens in the common areas. It was just as rejuvenating as I’d hoped it would be. All of the guests seemed so relaxed, peaceful and present. They were reading books, softly talking with their friends and partners, floating in the pools, eating and drinking mindfully. One woman was knitting, another was coloring. Everyone reacted together with delight when a duck landed in the pool. We could all see it happening because we didn’t have our heads in our phones.
But there were a few rebels. The on-site restaurant didn’t enforce the policy so I noticed a couple with their heads down and scrolling even as others around them were sipping their drinks and gazing out of the windows. In the locker room, I saw a small, furtive group of women who’d snuck phones into the pockets of their robes. I overheard one person – a mother – saying her anxiety simply wouldn’t allow her to go too long without checking her phone.
There are many studies that show cell phone vicinity itself impacts cognitive ability, feelings of enjoyment, creative capacity, and connection with others. A widely-cited 2017 University of Texas at Austin study found that just having your phone nearby, even turned off, measurably reduces your available cognitive capacity. Yet these little computers are designed to make us feel as though we ARE connected if we have access to them at all times and that we are missing something important if we do not.
One experiment I recently heard about had one set of people go out to dinner and leave their phones on the table and the other set of participants left phones in their bags, out of sight but nearby. In this 2018 University of British Columbia study of over 300 diners, the group with phones on the table reported feeling more distracted and enjoyed their meal less — even though most of them barely touched their phones. The satisfaction level of those who’d put the phones away was much higher AND they were less bored.
We experience our phones as a trigger. We feel distracted, uncomfortable or even anxious just knowing they’re there and not checking them. This can easily create an experience of hypervigilance, which is when our body believes a threat is there when it is not. It is like feeling perpetually perched and ready for action at all times.
Many of my clients confess to me that they are “addicted” to their phones, they have “phone anxiety” or they express frustration that their loved ones won’t connect due to their own issues with phones. This has become a cultural, societal problem that impacts mental health, relationships and brain functioning. While it is somewhat of an issue for any of us who own a smart phone, it’s worth slowing down to actually understand the stories we might be telling ourselves about why we need to be “connected” at all times. Here are a few of the underlying core fears that perpetuate these unhealthy habits and undermine one’s ability to make real changes. See if any of these resonate with you:
- Something could happen to someone I love so I need to be available at all times.
- I will miss a work opportunity.
- I will not be ready for the next global disaster.
- I will be bored.
Victor Frankl said: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In that response lies our growth and our freedom.” So let us all slow down and explore the space between feeling triggered to look at our phones and see if we can reclaim some power to choose a different response.
Let’s take each one of these examples and see where we might find a new way.
Something could happen to someone I love so I need to be available at all times.
I’m starting with this one because it is likely to get the most push back, especially from deeply caring women who may have some excessive anxiety about bad things happening to those they love. Here’s the thing: when we perpetuate the belief in that fear by obsessively checking on the whereabouts of those we love, or assuming that we will be called into action to react to an emergency, we are reinforcing anxiety spirals rather than ultimately finding more peace with what actually is not in our control. I remember the first time my son went to sleepaway camp. He is an adventurous soul, so he chose to do 2 weeks. I wanted to be a laid back mom who trusted him to know his own mind well enough to make this decision. But when I dropped him off, I was seized with anxiety and negative self talk. I felt like the worst mother in the world for allowing a bunch of strangers to take care of my kid. I thought, ‘What if he is sad? What if he gets sick? What if he doesn’t make friends? What if he is too cold, too hot, can’t sleep, isn’t eating well?? How will he be okay without ME??’ When my phone rang towards the end of the first week and I saw that it was from the camp, my heart and breath seemed to stop. I answered frantically. The camp director was clearly used to dealing with anxious parents, so her first words were: “Everything is okay.” She told me he’d fallen off his bike and gotten some scrapes but he was just fine. I exhaled. I asked if he was doing okay in general. She laughed and told me he was in heaven and had become quite the mascot with the counselors, truly having the time of his life. He was 9. He’s 13 now and at that same camp this summer as I write this. It is his happy place and he’d stay twice as long if I let him. My heart still pounds when I see that a phone call has come from camp, but now I trust that if something bad happens, he’s in good hands. Every mother sometimes worries about tragedies, but now I try to normalize that for myself rather than trying to control what truly is not in my power. Unless there is a specific need to be immediately available, I don’t keep my phone on during sessions with clients or for long stretches of my own relaxation time. It’s okay now.
I will miss a work opportunity.
If your work isn’t truly an on-call position, it is worth pausing and asking yourself if the immediacy you are feeling is real or a story you are telling yourself. If you are an entrepreneur, it is wise and healthy to build and maintain a business that allows you to regularly disconnect from screens. You want to think about building a business that allows you to respond respectfully, professionally and promptly when called for, but that doesn’t train others to expect you to be on demand at all hours of the day and week. For this one, you may need to wrestle with your fear of failure, scarcity mindset, people-pleasing tendencies or trauma around financial issues. This stuff can get very deep and you may benefit from processing it with a therapist or seeking out self-help materials that can address the roots of these issues.
I will not be ready for the next global disaster.
Girl. I get it. There is a LOT going on in our wild world. And if you are a caring person who wants to help, it can feel selfish to disconnect from current events. I have so much respect and gratitude for those people who are fighting the good fight and trying to make this world a better place by engaging in civic discourse and work. Still. It is worth pausing and asking, is this constant monitoring of the state of the world helping you to make it a better place overall? Or is it triggering despair and anger at regular intervals and making you feel helpless, hopeless or numb? How can you still put good into the world without swimming in all the muck all day long with each “breaking news” alert dinging at you? How can you rest and find the optimism you will need to actually bring some light into the darkness? Maybe a walk in the woods or a mindful cup of tea will help with that more than clicking on the latest abhorrent thing done in service of the patriarchy. Still – opting out completely isn’t helpful either. We do need meaning and we want to feel like we are helping. A yoga teacher I admire shared on a podcast that she allows herself 10 minutes per day to peruse a trusted news source and that is it. This was enough to be up to date on current events without overwhelming her nervous system. This way she had plenty of time and energy to focus on her activism around bringing yoga and mindfulness into underfunded public schools.
I will be bored.
Yep. You might. And this is a very, very good thing. Humans need unstructured time to allow their minds to wander or find meaningful activities in which to engage. A little boredom can be just the thing that allows you to get unstuck and try something new. Look someone in the eye. Start a little conversation. Really watch that great show instead of scrolling while it’s on in the background. Cuddle. Stare at the ceiling and let your imagination wander. Attempt that breathing technique you heard about or try a mindfulness exercise. Try noticing things you can see, hear, taste, smell and touch. I promise you will feel proud of yourself for these small acts of self-love.
As you read through these four core fears, you may have noticed some inner objections or found other reasons you might be reluctant to disconnect more often. That is great! Make a note of all of that and see if there are different fears fueling your attachment or habit. Once you’ve figured out what times it is actually safe and okay to be away from your phone, find the barriers you need to put in place to make it harder to get to. One thing I like to do is leave my sound on but put the phone in a cabinet or drawer. I’ve learned that I can usually wait to reply to any text messages because my people know I am often unavailable for immediate contact. If there is a true need or emergency, those would generally come in the form of a call. I also encourage you to attend in-person events and put away the phone. Take yourself for a mindful meal, go to the theater, a movie or a comedy show, or spend time in nature. Attend any of the wonderful Maven meet-ups! So much thought goes into those and they are a great way to connect with others who are also wanting to live a more present, grounded life.
I feel really lucky and grateful that I was able to go to that wellness spa and be forced to detach from my phone. I mostly went there for the yoga, sound baths, and pools but the experience of being in spaces with lots of other present and grounded humans turned out to be one of the most hopeful and soothing aspects of the experience, and it inspired me to put all of this into words. I have the Victor Frankl quote framed and hanging in my office, the one that reminds us that in the space between stimulus and response is where our growth and freedom live. Finding that space will be awkward and difficult at first, but over time becomes natural and habitual. I hope you too can pause, ease your phone anxiety and find your freedom.
Adair McDonald, LMHC, PMH-C, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Carmel, Indiana, specializing in anxiety, trauma, ADHD, and the emotional landscape of pregnancy and new motherhood. Most of her clients are creative women who struggle with overwhelm and self-criticism- and are ready to feel lighter, more joyous, and free. Learn more at adairmcdonald.com.
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